Tales from the Crossroads

I have to be honest right now, I'm feeling pretty stressed out. Life has been a whirlwind since early summer and I haven't really had a chance to sit down and blog or even work on my site in a long time. To be honest, I think I might have needed the break.

But, lately, life has been getting me down. Somehow, I've become quite a good sponge for absorbing other peoples' stress, and that's been really affecting me emotionally and physically. It's hard when people rely on you, it's hard when you have to fight every day to keep going. I'm not gonna lie, if you are reading this you've probably seen on my website that I don't have the greatest mental health - it gets overwhelming and tiring to cope with, and sometimes even waking up is a struggle.

I've been having nightmares again, really graphic ones which I'm not sure are memories or not. I've also had some of the best moments of my life this year - I saw My Chemical Romance live in September, which was life changing (and I cried through the whole concert). I've also been able to keep going, somehow, despite everything.

The Zine I started this spring is so close to being finished, and my original goal was to finish it before the end of October, but as it stands right now, I'm not sure if that's going to be possible. I ran into a wall and ended up burnt out from the pressure I keep putting on myself over, and over, and over again. I keep thinking things are going to be different this time, and yet somehow I always end up a fool in a mess of my own making.

I want to be able to finish my work, I want to work on my website and enjoy my creative process, I want so many things, but right now, I'm not sure where to go. I'm beyond tired, exhausted to the bone because I've been on my feet for months on end and the stress of it is getting to me hardcore. My medication dose has gone up several times during this period, and I can actually get things done, but emotionally I am toasted. 

So. Where do I go from here?

To be honest, I think I need to take a break from the world. Everything has been so chaotic and I need the rest. I need to have that pressure lifted off of me, so I can recover and be able to work on the things I love and the things that bring me so much joy in this world. I need to start taking care of myself properly, setting boundaries, and not taking on too much at a time.

I can't go on at this pace anymore, it's driving me into the ground. I need to take it slow and if that means dropping things temporarily to maintain my mental health then so be it.

I know this is months late, but I've never been the best with timing, nor due dates. There never was a due date on this kinda thing, so I don't know why I acted like there was. Either way, you'll see me around, once I find myself again.

- Aelphaba

It's taken me almost a week to recover from going to visit my mother's home, the stress of everything piled onto me and was deeply overwhelming to say the least. I'm trying, I really am, to bounce back but it still feels like each day I'm missing something important. I'm not sure what that is though, all I can do is go through the motions of my routine, do the things that bring me joy, and hope this restlessly tired energy finally quiets down.

Within regards to my last post, I still stand by what I said, but now that I've calmed down, I'm just tired and fed up with it. I have contemplated walking away from a path I have been on since I was a young child, because I have lost faith in the community. I can't stand around and watch misinformation be spread. It's deeply troubling and upsetting, and yet I am at a standstill about what to do. If there's even anything I can do in this situation.

Not to mention, my nanny accused me of stealing her snake oil. So. Yeah. That hurt. I think the thing that hurts the most is that I'm still not taken seriously, I'm treated like a joke among my grandmother, and it hurts. What does it take to earn the respect of family members who will never take you seriously, ever? Is it even a worthy endeavor in the first place?

I think I just need to take some time to focus on myself and my own needs, but I'm not sure what that is at the moment, it could be anything. I've started several projects and yet, I haven't been able to finish any of them. I haven't even been able to update my website as often as I'd like to anymore. I feel pretty fried, and clawing my way out of that is taking a lot of work and the energy needed for it is exhausting.

Where do I go from here? Is there anywhere to go? Do I just keep doing what I'm doing and hope that it's the right thing?

Oh man, it's been a hot moment since I've updated my blog. Thing's have been insanely busy lately and I'm still trying to keep up with everything. So I'm gonna try and give a rundown of why I've been away for as long as I have.

Arguing and trying to persuade various linux distros to do my bidding work properly

This was a massive challenge. I had been using Kubuntu since February at this point, and it was working great for the most part! I had kde, everything was perfect. Except my nvivida drivers didn't want to install, OR update. This was a bit of a problem because I'm a bit of a gaming nerd. So, my beloved Arin came over to help me sort things out. We decided on Pop_Os, because of it touting wonderful hybrid graphics integration. Things went well for about 3 hours. And then they didn't. While transferring my files over into my archives, my laptop died, and it almost bricked my external hard drive. Yikes.

So we got that sorted, and the install to Pop_Os was easy enough. But. It just didn't want to cooperate with me, none of my apps would work (mostly notable, my markdown editor of choice). It didn't help that Pop_Os is extremely bloated, with it's custom theming running gnome, even when I switched to KDE. It was tiring, it was awful, it couldn't detect my screen resolution at all and made things super difficult to work without either a) getting frustrated and upset, so holding off on creative works or b) trying to find work around, failing to find a work around, repeat step a. over and over again.

By day two, I was having none of it. So I pack up my data all over again, Pop took around 2 DAYS to get everything ready (on top of it all, it only got the desktop items, not the document items, but I do a lot of recursive data storage so no worries there, thankfully).

And then I moved to Arch. Yep. I figured if I was already torturing myself I may as well make it worth the experience, and time, it took to actually do it. It took me a few days to figure out a plan of action, choosing a distro, and getting everything set up. So now I'm running Archcraft, which is a fantastic distro and has given me 0 issues so far, works for gaming, and has good documentation with the archwiki. And I couldn't be happier. I'm now going to stay away from heavy computer working for the next thousand years, thanks. Never distro hopping again.

I've been going to therapy

Been taking the time to get my brain resorted out, figuring out how best to work things. My healthcare team has a really good therapist I've been seeing for a few weeks now, and it's really nice to actually have a therapist work with you instead of just handing you worksheets and not doing anything worthwhile. When you find a good therapist, it makes such a massive difference.

I've been less anxious all around, especially with going outside by myself. I've been working on the panic attacks, and I've been working on actually learning how to sleep properly. It's been refreshing, and working with what I have is a lot more helpful than trying to change fundamental parts of my brain (see: the constant sensory overload that is life)

I've read a bunch of books 

Right? It's crazy to be honest, but I've been reading a LOT lately. So I think I should make a list on what I've read in the past few weeks!

- The Other Side of the Night by Daniel Allen Butler,
Which goes over the actions of two ship captains the night the Titanic sank. It was an utterly fascinating read. I really enjoyed looking at the aftermath of the Titanic sinking, and seeing the reactions from the nearby ships was interesting as hell. The book goes into detail over the actions of the Carpathia, and the Californian, and its a really good look into maritime history. I really enjoyed the section where they went over the different inquires over the sinking, it was interesting to read the differences between how the United States and Britain handled it. It's also a really interesting time capsule to how things were so different 100+ years ago. Overall, I'd give this book a solid 8/10, with points deducted for some shitty pop psychology at the end that felt deeply unnecessary in the greater context of the book. I'd definitely recommend it if you're as fascinated with the Titanic as I am.

- Your Head is a Houseboat by Campbell Walker
Still working through this one, but it's one of those books you kind of work through slowly and adapt to. I'm usually pretty critical of self help books, because I find that a lot of them are just. genuinely terrible, but Walker does a very good job of keeping it lighthearted, informative, and engrossing. I find that his metaphor of using the mind as a houseboat is quite fun, and a really good way of putting your brain space into context. I'm only on chapter 3, but a lot of the journaling exercises have been super helpful for clearing my mind and sorting through the mess. My houseboat is quite a mess still, but I'm slowly working through the clutter. I'm not going to rate it quite yet, because I haven't finished the book proper, but it's to the point, and informative without relying on trends, pop culture, and other psudoscientific nonsense that usually invades self help books.

- From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler by E. L. Konigsburg
Who would I be if I didn't occasionally revisit old favourites? I first picked this book up as a tender 9 year old, staying at my cousins house for the weekend. It's an interesting and fun read, and tells the story of two siblings to run away from home, and stay in the Met. It's got that sense of mystery, wonder, and vastness that I haven't been able to forget about in a book, and it's been really nice to reread it.

That's all I have for now, I have a bit more time on my hands before things start ramping up again so I might be going back to regular postings, but I'm staying tentative on that. It's been a lot lately lmao, but I'm just glad I've been able to handle it for the most part.

This entry has become pretty long, but I thought I'd leave a screenshot of my custom done Archcraft setup because I'm super proud of it!



Love yall,
- Aelphaba

Taking it slow this past week has been a massive relief on me, especially after how hectic its been since April started. It's been good though, I've gotten a lot of work done and I'm feeling satisfied overall with how this year is shaping up.

Yesterday I started to germinate some vegetable seedlings, tomatoes, zucchini, and cauliflower. I know I probably should have started a lot earlier than I did, but it happens (it is also my first year planting vegetables in a very long time so I'm not putting too much pressure on myself there). Its nice though, and I'm excited to see how they turn out later on in the year.

Speaking of projects, I'm going to have to siphon off my mead from the yeast byproduct soon. Its quite the heavy task though and I'm dreading it. Its almost 6 months into its fermentation and I'm excited to try it in August.

Its getting warmer out, which is super beautiful. I feel the warm breeze through the windows when I wake up and it's lovely to sit and watch the sunrise as always. I could probably start going out for solo walks soon because the sunrise is so much earlier now. Spring is gorgeous, and I can't wait to see and catalog all the flowers I find this year. I love pressing flowers and I have quite the collection already, but I want to start taking it more seriously.

I've been feeling a lot more relieved now that I've had that time to reset and reboot myself. As I get older, I'm learning to take things slow and steady and not burn myself out, rather keep the momentum by maintaining my limits and respecting my own needs. Getting 9 hours of sleep is so much more worth it than suffering through 4 hours like I used to. It's a lot healthier for me as well.

Mels found some decaf coffee for me, and I'm excited to try it out! I used to be a pretty heavy coffee drinker and couldn't function without my espresso, but because of some health issues I can't have caffeine the way I used to. I'm excited to have some coffee again, and I'm glad they make decaf versions.

It's been a nice little while, the only thing that could make it better is some spring rain and more flowers. I need to slap a big 'Keep Out of Direct Sunlight' label on myself at some point, lmfao 💖

Anyways that's all I have for now,
- Aelphaba

So, went to my hometown yesterday. My cousin and I had a whole care package planned for my Nanny, whose still in the hospital. We called ahead and made sure we had the okay to visit, asked if she was allowed her laptop (she was asking us to get it) and generally checking in on her. We were told that we'd have to alternate while visiting and so we were fine and dandy with that.

However, once we got there, we weren't allowed in. Fucking hell. Apparently, she was in isolation. No one told us along the way that we couldn't visit her, and we called multiple times to confirm. It was genuinely pretty upsetting, because my hometown is around 45 minutes away from where I'm currently living, and it's really not an easy or cheap trip for someone who doesn't drive. It was exhausting as well.

We did get her care package to her though, they did the bare minimum of allowing us that. Gods, she didn't even know she was in isolation. The Canadian healthcare system is a bureaucratic nightmare for everyone fucking involved, and there's 0 compassion to be found. I'm tired of it.

Anyways, while we were in town I got to see my mother and siblings for the first time in three years. It's been a while, and my mother and I haven't always been on the best of terms. However, it went really well! We got to talk a lot, and it was genuinely super nice to see her again. Seeing my siblings was a shock and a half, they've grown so much since I last saw them. My mind's eye still sees them as the little beans they once were, but wow, they've really grown into themselves. I'm so proud of them, my little sister recently won an art contest, and my little brother is in a band now. I always try to nurture their creativity in any way I can.

Today I'm exhausted though, yesterday I ran the whole day on around an hour of sleep and it was stressful as fuck, to put it mildly. I came home after getting a ride from my other brother and immediately passed out for 15 hours. I woke up and I've still been exhausted all day. Gotta love the chronic pain that comes with over straining yourself.

I've been taking it easy for the most part today, Arin's visiting and it's nice to see them as always. Other than that, I'm starting therapy again tomorrow and I'm pretty nervous about it. I'm hoping it goes okay, but again, the Canadian healthcare system is fucking awful. We always tout ourselves as having incredible free healthcare (better than the States!) and yet it's fucking miserable when you actually have to interact with it. The mental healthcare system in particular is atrocious, and a lot of vulnerable people get left behind. 

I'm tired, I wish for the coming days to bring rest. I need a long sleep.

Here's a pic I took while I was out of town. I plan on going again a lot more in the future because of the lovely scenery and trails, so be on the lookout for that.



- Aelphaba

I don't know where to talk about this, so I'm here. It seems right I should be open about my feelings on my own personal website, but at the same time, a part of me is super nervous about being so honest.

Yesterday was fucking shit. Full stop. I learned my nanny (my grandmother) is currently in critical condition with cirrhosis and heart failure, and it fucking breaks my heart. I love my nanny a lot, and I don't know what I would do if I lost her. It doesn't help that I had to play telephone tag with my family as usual, the circus keeps going. I'm upset that no one told me sooner, but what can you do.

I don't know how the fuck I'm going to visit her, because my partners don't drive, and she lives 40 minutes away with my mother. She was transferred to a different hospital because small towns are unequipped to deal with this kinda thing. I want to see her so fucking badly. I have a lot of regret that I didn't get to see my other grandma (dad's side) before she died, and missed out on a deep reconciliation that we both needed. I don't want a repeat of that. I don't know what I'd do with myself.

This whole situation has me stressed out beyond belief right now, it frightens me, and I've. never really experienced anything like this before (I didn't find out about my other grandma until way long after she was gone, and at that point I hadn't seen her in almost 10 years) I don't know how to cope. I'm scared I'm gonna loose her. I know my cousin is too, but the most we can do is pray for her recovery (and maybe a spell or two?).

I know she's in good hands in the hospital but this situation is just. A lot for me to handle. This year has already been so fucking stressful. I feel super overwhelmed with everything. I hope she's okay.

It's been a few days since I last updated. I don't know, when I lost my pen it really affected me.
It felt like I had lost a deep connection to myself and I didn't know how to rationalize it. But, Arin (my beloved) surprised me a few days ago
with a new pen, exactly like my old one. I still had the cap of the old one, and once I replaced it, it was like my heart had returned home to me.

Writing is hard, and it's good to have something that motivates you to write, express yourself, and just be. That's what my pen was to me, and I'm happy I have that back again. It seems silly and superficial, but you wouldn't think that losing a family heirloom was unimportant - this is very much the same.

I have some pictures from that day, it really was a beautiful day and I plan on writing more in-depth about it this weekend (and maybe going on another adventure)

- Aelphaba

Log Date: 2022-03-15

Today's the Ides of March.

I got my new meds adjusted last night, that's been going well so far. I've had a bit of trouble with getting dizzy when waking up but other than that, it's been pretty decent. It's been super nice not having nightmares, but also standing up and immediately fainting from the blood pressure difference is jarring as fuck.

I did a bunch of updates on my site today, including messing around with the CSS. I almost dove into learning flex boxes, but decided absolutely not after trying (and failing) to figure them out. That's okay though, my skills are decent enough right now that I'm content with what I have. I also made some icons for my scrapbook page, and I'm really proud with how they turned out.

Started working on my book reviews tonight, now that my ribs are healed and I can actually focus for the most part it's really nice to get back into the swing of things properly. I'm starting out with "Visions and Beliefs in the West of Ireland" by Lady Gregory. It seems pretty decent so far, I'll probably have my review up after I've made it (it's also going to be used in the Archives occult library on Discord).

Other than that, Mels got the rest of his teeth dealt with today, he's sleeping right now but apparently this time was a breeze compared to last time (they took out all the upper teeth last time) so I'm glad they're doing okay.

Not much else to say,
- Aelphaba

It's been a rough few days, but I'm coping for the most part. The nightmares have started up again but it's nothing I'm not used to at this point.

Been watching Adventure Time again, I forgot how much this show shaped me growing up. The humor is still on point and it's a good watch even by today's standards.

The stuff in the world is leaving me feeling scared and overwhelmed to be honest, and it's hard to stay hopeful but I'm trying my best. Sometimes it feels like life is constantly kicking me down when I try and get up. I keep getting up though, because I want to see a better world.

I've been really exhausted lately, more than usual. I'm not surprised though, I have been over extending myself too much lately, and I think I might need to hone in on some self care, for my own sake.

Other than that, I'm hoping the rest of the week goes by smoothly. I redyed my hair and that felt pretty nice. I think I might try and go out for a walk and check out one of the little free libraries that are around town.

I hear the crows every morning now, as well as the chickadees. I think spring is slowly coming, and I can't wait to see grass again.

- Aelphaba