Tales from the Crossroads

Here are some of my  notes on Hmong folk religion that I've been gathering, I feel like it's important for me to share. I want to keep my culture alive and strong, and I want to be able to preserve it for future generations. This is an odd path I walk, and it's definitely complicated with my history but it's time that I stop running away from myself. It's odd to think that I've been practicing as a Witch and Animist for 15 years now coming up, but I still feel as fresh as a new born babe. 

So what I am learning is that spirits are referred to as Qhua Neeb, with the act of Hmong Shamanism being known as Neeb. Now, Hmong Shamans are a form of Otherworld intercessor, who performs rituals on behalf of their community, Hmong or not. They are divided into what is known as Lineages, which decide things like what tools you use, and what veil colour you wear. Oftentimes you will have the same veil colour as your Master. There are two veil colours, red, and black. I am still learning the specifics of what they mean, but from what I understand those with the Red veil are blessed by the first Shaman of the Hmong people, Siv Yis. 

In Hmong folklore, it is said that a frog created the Earth, and the Land of Spirits. This frog was named Nplooj Lwg. He was killed by people, and by his dying curse, humans and spirits could no longer live together, and have been separated ever since. 

I have many frog spirits under my retinue, and through working with them I have found them to be a great and wise ally, capable of interfacing with the Spirit world. They bring me great comfort, and my good friend Bump is one such frog. I love Bump, he is one of my Little Guys that I created to help me with my anxiety, and he kinda grew as a spirit of his own. He often gives me solid advice and reminders to always take care of myself, but he also serves as a friend, and guide. 

On the other side of my family we have German, and Anishinaabe, with some Northern English thrown into the mixture. It is a complicated history for me, an Indigenous Hmong Canadian living in a big city. I often feel disconnected with my ancestry, but I try my best to learn what I can. 

I am an amalgamation of all the people who have loved and been loved before me. I need to hold onto this for my own good -> it guides me to where I need to be, and shows me the path forward is clear. 

The dead are more compassionate than the living, I find, and so I work with my ancestors when I can. I’ve started reaching out to my Father’s Father, whom had come from Laos to Canada in the 1970s in what is known as the Hmong Exodus from Laos. It is difficult being a child created through war and displacement, but it has given me the warriors heart I need to bear through these tough times. 

The Morrigan gave me the strength to bear these generational battles with kindness, and with a swift hand of the scythe to reap the dead. It is not unkind, for she loves you when you are alive, and when you succumb to her embrace of death. Hekate is very much the same as a Goddess of fear, being loved spans both life and death for these Goddesses, and it is integral to my understanding of both that they embody our deepest fears, and our greatest strengths. 

I see myself in Hmong embroidery – the intricate patterns and spirals decorating the flower cloth. These are the stories of my people, held tight in my arms as mine. This is also a part of me I cannot deny. Hmong flower cloth is known as Paj Ntaub. I long to make my bone reading cloth one of these beautifully constructed items, and I will learn no matter what it takes. 

The Coyote, the trickster of my people, calls to me a familiar face – one that of lessons learned and a teacher not unfamiliar to me, He brings me courage to be, and to be strong and hold my head high through the rougher parts of it. the Coyote is a sacred messenger, who shares this space with the Rabbit, and Raven. This spirit is known as Nanabozho, and I've been working on calling down the spirits of the land to better assist my workings. 

I throw the bones as often as I can now, knowing that they are the part that endures afterwards. When all is returned to dust, the bones remain. I covet these bones, gifted to me over time through different circumstance – sometimes purchased, sometimes found, sometimes gifted. 

Each of them hosts a spirit, and they are also a collective Council, which guides me in my day to day workings, including what I should focus on for the most part. I’ve been listening the best I can and doing my part to make sure my duties are done. I love the pouch my bones live in, gifted to me by my loving partner. I love my bones, they are my constant companion and I take them with me wherever I go, lest a situation comes up where I am in need of them. 

I fed my spirits today, something I am aiming to do more of this year, as I know I haven't been the best at attending my duties in the past. But now, there is a resolve inside of me keeping it together for myself. I know my spirits are happy because they sing to me their blessings and continued safe keeping - Creechur in particular always gets a good helping of the Dragons' Weed into their ritual vessel, and Coyote gets fed blood from all the members of the household. As for food offerings, plenty of 'Wormies" (gummy worms) for Creechur, garlic and rosemary and plenty of food for Hekate on the dark moon, it is a beautiful thing being able to work with these spirits. 

In Hmong culture, a person has 13 souls, each of which serve a different purpose - the soul that says with you, including in death, the soul that returns to the ancestors, and the soul that reincarnates are the three main ones, as well as 9 other shadow souls that guide us and teach us. When someone passes, it is said that their spirit must be guided to the spirit realm, which is in line with a ritual I performed on behalf of my Nanny with my cousin, about a month after her passing. I hope wherever she is, she is happy and at peace the best she can be. I know she would be happy to be untethered from her oxygen machine. 

I am learning to move with the seasons, winter is in full swing now, and she's been a doozy. I've been tugging at the idea of reaching out to the Winter Mother for a bit now, and it seems like now is as good as a time as ever with all the snow warnings in effect right now. Pine is definitely one of the spirits of the winter for me, and I love it's presence as much as I can when I can go outside. Spruce and Cedar also carry me along with their winter-y medicine, along with the Chthonic aspects of Yew. 

Ensouling the Effigy 
In Mahigan's bookclub, we've been reading Ensouling the Effigy by Matthew Venus and that has been going pretty well for me, I've been taking notes but the first start of the book is very much review for me. I am however learning quite a bit about the origin of the term Animist though, and it's complicated for why I still identify with it - it just makes the most sense cosmologically for me, to work within an Animist framework because that is what my cultures practice. 

I particularly enjoy Matthew's working definition for the Witch, and find it a useful framework to work within, especially within regards to the consorting and pacting with various spirits, doing witchcraft, and interfacing with the Otherworlds. 
His description of the three overarching worlds, The Upper World, the Middle World, and the Under World - this also corresponds to my workings with Hekate being tri-formed and represented as it follows: 

Upper World: Hekate as the Spirit of the Horse of Air, 
Middle World: Hekate as her Spirit of the Dog of Earth, 
Underworld: Hekate as her spirit of Serpent of the Sea. 

This makes a lot of sense to me to view the world, and it is a useful framework for viewing the ephemeral nature of spirits. Engaging with spirit flight is also one of the tenants of the Witch, which involves shapeshifting or transvection, as Matthew notes. 

This is going to be the first part of a series of posts on working with Hekate, based on the Grimoire "A Journey to the Grove" from the game Book of Hours - a 10th Level Grail Codex that can be read in game. This ties into my real world witchcraft practice with the Titan Hekate. My UPG is that, Three Faced, The Applebright is an analog to Hekate, my gnosis regarding this is the fact that The Applebright's aspects are Grail, Heart, and Moth. This relates to how Hekate is the Titan-Goddess of the Crossroads, Key, and Torch Bearer (Moth), Grail (The Red Meal, the Deipnon), and Heart (Leader of Hounds, Saviour, Healer + Poisoner). 

The Ladder Prayer

Created with The Hekataeon's Ladder in mind, this prayer is meant to mimic the rosary prayers of the Conquer God's Faith and was written as a meditation on The Applebright, also known as Hekate. 

repeat on every vertebrae:

The Grace of the Applebright

"Hail, Applebright, thrice great,
the witch-flame is within thee
Blessed art thou amongst hounds, 
and blessed is the herbs of your garden, Rosemary
Hail Applebright, Mother of All, 
blessed are the witches under your call, 
now and at the hour of our crossroad, Hail Applebright."

On the Blossom:

Prayer to Applebright of the Way
"I call upon the Great Hour of Nowhere – Applebright!
Who holds the keys to the gates, 
and the crossroads
Who shapes the fates of her faithful hounds,
may three deaths be taken from me, 
three lives given to me,
A cup of ambrosia poured for me. 
May the dead not harm me in my journey, 
May my name not be pledged without truth,
May death not come before my time,
I call upon the Queen of Torches
 to light my way,
to whom eats the restless dead, 
may your cloak envelop me 
in your saffron spirit,
May I be exalted in your name, 
May I complete the journey you have 
laid out for me,
May my will be strengthened, 
May my grave not be disturbed, 
Your blessings, Applebright, upon your hounds."

On the Key:

 

Prayer to The Applebright, Soteria
“Hail Applebright, I am your faithful hound
Soteria, Apotropaia, protect me from harm may it be by intent or by igorance in the face of life’s trials and joys
May I be ever steady, threefold in nature as your blessing, summoning in Earth, Sea, and Sky as Queen Enodia,
May I be ever present and embodied, my mind clinging to nothing, untroubled.
May I act decisively with your truth and wisdom guiding my thoughts, may my actions and words come from a place of compassion, honour, wisdom, and love
That I know when to cut and be cut.
Envelop me in guile and cunning, 
so I can move with resiliency through the crossroads of life, 
now in this life and next, Hail Applebright.”

On the Beads: 

Psalm to the Applebright
"Praise the Applebright, O my soul. 
O Astrodia, thou are very great;
thou art cloaked in night and glory,
who cloaks thyself in saffron:
Erigenia, who layeth her chambers
in Zerynthos, who striketh with light.
Who travels without borders.
Who guides us through the gates.
With her companions the dogs, 
she who useth the fruit of the earth 
in her cunning, 
whose life giving well gushes 
forth with the stream of the soul.
Ensouling light, fire, aether, and worlds, 
in three exists the source of liminal. 
We follow in thine footsteps, 
that we be sovereign in ourselves.
That we may cross the threshold safely.
Praise the Applebright, O my soul"
- @ Mel Mothtonoth

 

Birdsong  

It is winter now, the cold air brings a chill to my extremities, my fingers seeking the warmth of home. I call into this weird and strange place between the worlds, where the birds sing undisturbed and full of life and lull to the half formed song. 

And in my dreams that song is sung until the morning breaks, and through that foggy morning I wake and find the birds still singing, despite the short days. 

The birdsong follows me wherever I go, and it is through that do I learn the secrets of how they communicate with each other. The crows! They are my best allies in this world, and I know I can rely on the Beach Comber to guide me where I need to be.

The Roost is very active this time of year, the birds having nothing to do but sing the days away. The ones who haven’t migrated south that is. 

The chickadee sings it’s merry wee-woo and that brings me comfort knowing something always are. 

The Twins look towards me with a chill in their eyes, their being fire and ice and all manners of contradiction. The contradiction is where the mysteries are, and in that do I find the knowledge of omens, augury, and divination.  

My trials were heavy, and involved a lot of darkness I had to confront — the weight of the world on my soul from a young age I found solace in my magical roots. I dig those roots deeper each year, and my writing is an element of the practice. I keep myself steady in all things, and focus on what lay ahead of me. 

The first challenge was leaving behind my hometown for somewhere new, and then moving away even further. Being away from my family effected me deeply, and it was traumatic being alone in an unfamiliar place. I learned quickly though, and ended up surfacing into my own very easily. 

The second challenge was almost dying twice, that was something else but allowed me the connection that I have to the Underworld. It is through this connection to the Underworld that I am able to guide spirits to the beyond. I am a Psycho-pomp in training. 

The third challenge was reshaping myself into something that could be worthy of Her. 
The growth and pain and agony of change is still happening, and it is something I am still contending with. 

The mysteries are vast and mostly unknowable, deep and resounding they echo through the universe waiting for the right moment to bring clarity. I embrace the mysteries for what they are, and learn to hold the unknowable in my heart.

Weaving & Knotworking

The winter was harsh this year, and the dead were especially restless, haunting my dreams at night and wailing for release. There’s been so much death these past few years that dealing with it has been insurmountable. The dead yearn to be released into a kinder world where they were not abandoned by their own. 

I sew the fabric in my hands, the frog taking shape underneath. It will be a helper spirit, dedicated to providing me relief from the night terrors, to bring comfort during the cold months. I stuff it full of lavender and other herbs and sew it shut. It is born. 

I have many frogs in my collection, they are my little helper spirits and they are very easy to work with while having a good energy for a variety of things. 

I love them all, and they all help me in various ways. 

It is through this magic that I am able to weave together the strands of life into something new. I do this by first deciding on a project to bring to life, and then I give it my full attention and that beaming spark of life that ignites it into something new.  

If I do not create, whether that be art, writing, poetry, or the myriad of physical handicrafts I have been entertained for, I will go insane. It is a survival tactic I picked up when I was a suicidal teenager — To create is to be created in turn, and by doing this ritual often, I sustain myself in ways that enrich my life and well-being. 

Creation is blood and hunger, and through that do I feed on the majesty of life. The magic flows through me and I am better able to direct it to where it needs to go. There are many ways that magic can help improve your circumstances. 

The frog knows that it is a frog, and that it was created by me to do a task, and in return I love and feed it and give it a home. This is how it is with all my familiar spirits. Frog eggs are known to multiply at an alarming rate, and so I have many that have been propagated. 

Having a different familiar spirit for different types of workings can be helpful, and I mean this in the sense that it’s good to learn from many as apposed to the few. 
I have a variety under my retinue — plants, animals, and others. Do not raise more devils than you can handle. 

To ensoul and be ensouled is to work the magic of the spirits, and the world around you. It is through this magic that we are able to expand our vision and the scope of what we are able to learn. I learn the lessons my spirits give me wholeheartedly. 

I've been reading....

I have to be honest right now, I'm feeling pretty stressed out. Life has been a whirlwind since early summer and I haven't really had a chance to sit down and blog or even work on my site in a long time. To be honest, I think I might have needed the break.

But, lately, life has been getting me down. Somehow, I've become quite a good sponge for absorbing other peoples' stress, and that's been really affecting me emotionally and physically. It's hard when people rely on you, it's hard when you have to fight every day to keep going. I'm not gonna lie, if you are reading this you've probably seen on my website that I don't have the greatest mental health - it gets overwhelming and tiring to cope with, and sometimes even waking up is a struggle.

I've been having nightmares again, really graphic ones which I'm not sure are memories or not. I've also had some of the best moments of my life this year - I saw My Chemical Romance live in September, which was life changing (and I cried through the whole concert). I've also been able to keep going, somehow, despite everything.

The Zine I started this spring is so close to being finished, and my original goal was to finish it before the end of October, but as it stands right now, I'm not sure if that's going to be possible. I ran into a wall and ended up burnt out from the pressure I keep putting on myself over, and over, and over again. I keep thinking things are going to be different this time, and yet somehow I always end up a fool in a mess of my own making.

I want to be able to finish my work, I want to work on my website and enjoy my creative process, I want so many things, but right now, I'm not sure where to go. I'm beyond tired, exhausted to the bone because I've been on my feet for months on end and the stress of it is getting to me hardcore. My medication dose has gone up several times during this period, and I can actually get things done, but emotionally I am toasted. 

So. Where do I go from here?

To be honest, I think I need to take a break from the world. Everything has been so chaotic and I need the rest. I need to have that pressure lifted off of me, so I can recover and be able to work on the things I love and the things that bring me so much joy in this world. I need to start taking care of myself properly, setting boundaries, and not taking on too much at a time.

I can't go on at this pace anymore, it's driving me into the ground. I need to take it slow and if that means dropping things temporarily to maintain my mental health then so be it.

I know this is months late, but I've never been the best with timing, nor due dates. There never was a due date on this kinda thing, so I don't know why I acted like there was. Either way, you'll see me around, once I find myself again. 

It's taken me almost a week to recover from going to visit my mother's home, the stress of everything piled onto me and was deeply overwhelming to say the least. I'm trying, I really am, to bounce back but it still feels like each day I'm missing something important. I'm not sure what that is though, all I can do is go through the motions of my routine, do the things that bring me joy, and hope this restlessly tired energy finally quiets down.

Within regards to my last post, I still stand by what I said, but now that I've calmed down, I'm just tired and fed up with it. I have contemplated walking away from a path I have been on since I was a young child, because I have lost faith in the community. I can't stand around and watch misinformation be spread. It's deeply troubling and upsetting, and yet I am at a standstill about what to do. If there's even anything I can do in this situation.

Not to mention, my nanny accused me of stealing her snake oil. So. Yeah. That hurt. I think the thing that hurts the most is that I'm still not taken seriously, I'm treated like a joke among my grandmother, and it hurts. What does it take to earn the respect of family members who will never take you seriously, ever? Is it even a worthy endeavor in the first place?

I think I just need to take some time to focus on myself and my own needs, but I'm not sure what that is at the moment, it could be anything. I've started several projects and yet, I haven't been able to finish any of them. I haven't even been able to update my website as often as I'd like to anymore. I feel pretty fried, and clawing my way out of that is taking a lot of work and the energy needed for it is exhausting.

Where do I go from here? Is there anywhere to go? Do I just keep doing what I'm doing and hope that it's the right thing?

Oh man, it's been a hot moment since I've updated my blog. Thing's have been insanely busy lately and I'm still trying to keep up with everything. So I'm gonna try and give a rundown of why I've been away for as long as I have.

Arguing and trying to persuade various linux distros to do my bidding work properly

This was a massive challenge. I had been using Kubuntu since February at this point, and it was working great for the most part! I had kde, everything was perfect. Except my nvivida drivers didn't want to install, OR update. This was a bit of a problem because I'm a bit of a gaming nerd. So, my beloved Arin came over to help me sort things out. We decided on Pop_Os, because of it touting wonderful hybrid graphics integration. Things went well for about 3 hours. And then they didn't. While transferring my files over into my archives, my laptop died, and it almost bricked my external hard drive. Yikes.

So we got that sorted, and the install to Pop_Os was easy enough. But. It just didn't want to cooperate with me, none of my apps would work (mostly notable, my markdown editor of choice). It didn't help that Pop_Os is extremely bloated, with it's custom theming running gnome, even when I switched to KDE. It was tiring, it was awful, it couldn't detect my screen resolution at all and made things super difficult to work without either a) getting frustrated and upset, so holding off on creative works or b) trying to find work around, failing to find a work around, repeat step a. over and over again.

By day two, I was having none of it. So I pack up my data all over again, Pop took around 2 DAYS to get everything ready (on top of it all, it only got the desktop items, not the document items, but I do a lot of recursive data storage so no worries there, thankfully).

And then I moved to Arch. Yep. I figured if I was already torturing myself I may as well make it worth the experience, and time, it took to actually do it. It took me a few days to figure out a plan of action, choosing a distro, and getting everything set up. So now I'm running Archcraft, which is a fantastic distro and has given me 0 issues so far, works for gaming, and has good documentation with the archwiki. And I couldn't be happier. I'm now going to stay away from heavy computer working for the next thousand years, thanks. Never distro hopping again.

I've been going to therapy

Been taking the time to get my brain resorted out, figuring out how best to work things. My healthcare team has a really good therapist I've been seeing for a few weeks now, and it's really nice to actually have a therapist work with you instead of just handing you worksheets and not doing anything worthwhile. When you find a good therapist, it makes such a massive difference.

I've been less anxious all around, especially with going outside by myself. I've been working on the panic attacks, and I've been working on actually learning how to sleep properly. It's been refreshing, and working with what I have is a lot more helpful than trying to change fundamental parts of my brain (see: the constant sensory overload that is life)

I've read a bunch of books 

Right? It's crazy to be honest, but I've been reading a LOT lately. So I think I should make a list on what I've read in the past few weeks!

- The Other Side of the Night by Daniel Allen Butler,
Which goes over the actions of two ship captains the night the Titanic sank. It was an utterly fascinating read. I really enjoyed looking at the aftermath of the Titanic sinking, and seeing the reactions from the nearby ships was interesting as hell. The book goes into detail over the actions of the Carpathia, and the Californian, and its a really good look into maritime history. I really enjoyed the section where they went over the different inquires over the sinking, it was interesting to read the differences between how the United States and Britain handled it. It's also a really interesting time capsule to how things were so different 100+ years ago. Overall, I'd give this book a solid 8/10, with points deducted for some shitty pop psychology at the end that felt deeply unnecessary in the greater context of the book. I'd definitely recommend it if you're as fascinated with the Titanic as I am.

- Your Head is a Houseboat by Campbell Walker
Still working through this one, but it's one of those books you kind of work through slowly and adapt to. I'm usually pretty critical of self help books, because I find that a lot of them are just. genuinely terrible, but Walker does a very good job of keeping it lighthearted, informative, and engrossing. I find that his metaphor of using the mind as a houseboat is quite fun, and a really good way of putting your brain space into context. I'm only on chapter 3, but a lot of the journaling exercises have been super helpful for clearing my mind and sorting through the mess. My houseboat is quite a mess still, but I'm slowly working through the clutter. I'm not going to rate it quite yet, because I haven't finished the book proper, but it's to the point, and informative without relying on trends, pop culture, and other psudoscientific nonsense that usually invades self help books.

- From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler by E. L. Konigsburg
Who would I be if I didn't occasionally revisit old favourites? I first picked this book up as a tender 9 year old, staying at my cousins house for the weekend. It's an interesting and fun read, and tells the story of two siblings to run away from home, and stay in the Met. It's got that sense of mystery, wonder, and vastness that I haven't been able to forget about in a book, and it's been really nice to reread it.

That's all I have for now, I have a bit more time on my hands before things start ramping up again so I might be going back to regular postings, but I'm staying tentative on that. It's been a lot lately lmao, but I'm just glad I've been able to handle it for the most part.

This entry has become pretty long, but I thought I'd leave a screenshot of my custom done Archcraft setup because I'm super proud of it!

I think I ran myself too dry again. I've been going and going since the end of February and I haven't really had time to stop, rest, and take the alone time I very much need to survive. I'm trying my best to keep going but holy fuck, I need to stop and slow down. I feel wrung out.

Between the trip to my hometown, my nanny getting sick, and everything else that's been going on in my life I think it's time for some r&r, I'm already getting the prickles of burn out, and I can feel my nerves are shot from being constantly on the go. You know how it is, one thing hits the fan and suddenly you're trying your best to juggle 8 different tasks in the air. I was lucky I managed to pull through but I'm still deeply tired from everything.

So the plan is to take the next few days to rest, get in my alone time, and definitely decompress. Stress will eat you alive if you're not careful, and I haven't been the most careful myself lately. 

Not much else has been going on since the 6th, my Nanny got out of the hospital today, and I'm glad she's okay. She's gonna need to be on an oxygen tank from now on though. I just hope that we can all support her as much as we can (and keep her away from drinking). Other than that news, it's been quiet - for which I'm so fucking thankful.

Please let me rest,
- Aelphaba

Things have been pretty hectic lately, tbh. I've been trying to cope through it though I will admit I'm feeling very overwhelmed with everything going on. Self care has been super important this past week. 

Updates on my grandma, she's stable and will likely make it through this, thank fucking gods. It was pretty serious though, and I'm still deeply worried about her. She might not go back to where she was before all of this happened, but at least she is alive and well. I'm praying for her continued recovery. I hope we can visit her sometime soon.

Went out for coffee with my cousin, it was super nice. We talked about a lot of stuff and it was great to catch up with him. He's coming over Wednesday for a mini coven meeting and we're gonna have my famous butternut squash soup. I'm also planning on doing an ancestor rite when he comes for healing. I plan on teaching him some stuff about tech literacy because that's super fucking important in a world where multi billion dollar corporations are marketing you as an advertising product.

Speaking of tech literacy, I made the jump and got rid of windows on my laptop! I'm now running x64 Kubuntu and it's fucking fantastic I love how deeply customizable, and user friendly the linux community is. I've even been able to get the bulk of my games running as well, so I don't have to worry about that anymore. It's honestly been an incredible experience for the 48hrs I've had a linux system.

Other than that, I've been writing a lot of poetry to distract myself from all the stress. My goal for this year is to write as much as I can, and I'm excited to already be meeting that goal. Still need to keep up with my daily journaling, but that will always be a work in progress. As for website stuff, I plan on doing a big update sometime in the next few days, I've been slowly tweaking things here and there in the code, but I also plan on doing some bigger stuff too.

I hope this upcoming week brings peace, good news, and rest.

- Aelphaba

I've been thinking about this concept for a few days now, it's been marinating in my mind, and I think that working towards it would be good for me. I've started a micro journal for my daily stuff, and that's been super helpful at getting things...I don't know..calibrated? If that makes sense? And in that time I've been introspecting, I've come to realize that there's a lot of stuff I wanna learn to do, and experience as well. So this is my list of it, to refer back to as I feel like it.

The List (to learn)
♡ Celestial Navigation 
♡ Augury
♡ Dowsing
♡ Ocarina (12 hole)
♡ Mycology
♡ Geocaching

The List (to do)
♡ Grow more flowers
♡ Explore more places in the city
♡ Urban foraging
♡ Zine making